I have never been so blind sided before in my life! This morning I had my bags packed and was ready to walk out the door, when out of no where, the girl they call Summer jumps in the car and steals my place at camp! RAT FARTS!!! Before the girl pulled a fast one, I had already given the furball a good tongue wagging and was just waiting for the valet (dad) to carry my bags to the car. I guess dad felt so sorry for the girl, he didn’t have the heart to tell her she couldn’t go. Afterward, to add to my humiliation, the dim witted furball was grinning and sticking his tongue out at me! I understand not wanting to hurt the girl’s feelings, but come on, the church kids were expecting me! Not only will the kids miss me, I kind of made arrangements to meet the pit bull for a little skinny dipping after lights out! Lights out is just a suggestion anyway! This is just terrible, what was once going to be an exciting weekend has now turned into a weekend stuck in the house with Forrest Hump! Curses! Gotta run, I have to get furball’s bowl back in front of the curio cabinet.

Wow, what a day! I am as excited as one of those contestants on the Price is Right! I still have a bone to pick with Bob Barker, but that’s a story for another day. Anyway, I overheard dad saying he was going to miss his favorite boy and girl when they were away at church camp this weekend. I knew I improved from one week of Bible study to the next, but who knew I’d get invited to go to camp! I can’t believe how much packing I have to do; there’s the sun screen, the bug spray, and all the other unmentionables a girls needs when she’s off to camp. I can’t wait to see the furball’s face when me and the boy leave for camp tomorrow. In fact, I’ve been practicing different ways to stick my tongue out at him as I saunter out to the garage to get into the car. I’ve also been thinking of some scary stories for sitting around the campfire with the kids, my two favorites are the Headless Dogcatcher and the Tell Tale Heart Worm. Just think, three whole days away from the night crier, just me, the boy and the rest of the church kids. I better pack my pepper spray, you never know when you might run into a dim witted creature of a lesser blood line with an overactive libido! It’s bad enough I have to live with such a creature, let alone get attacked in the woods by one! Hopefully, the girl they call Summer, (what, were they hippies in their earlier days?) doesn’t get her feelings hurt over this. She’s a sweet kid, but come on, how can she compete with this total package? Since I will be away at camp, I probably won’t be able to post anything until Monday. I’m so excited, I better go eat some rabbit poop to take the edge off, gotta go!

Today’s Wednesday, or, hump day as some people like to call it, which is kind of ironic given the nature of my post today. It all started this morning, the furball had been begging and pleading from under the couch for me to get the "pit bull" out of the house. He said the incident out at the pool last Monday was a one time thing. He assured me it would never happen again. Well, this just sent me over the edge! "One time thing!" I cried, how about the prior church people incident, which inspired dad to come up with the children’s book title "The church people and the h—ny dog," you can fill in the blanks. Dad thinks he’s so clever, humpety humpety went the dog, "oh my" exclaimed the church people! Yeah dad, you’re clever alright! "What about all the other incidents out by the pool," I asked? Nothing gets the furball randier than newlyweds on a beach, than mom and dad having guests out by the pool! The sack of hair pleaded he had a "problem" and would "seek help." Seek help? I’ve been covered in yeast for weeks and smell like a bag of stale corn chips, I don’t think help is coming! Hold on a second, let me look at our medical coverage, no, nope, psychiatric treatment for half breeds who can’t keep their pants on isn’t covered. Color me surprised! As far as I’m concerned, furball can just live under the couch! Happy Hump Day, gotta go!

Bible study with the church kids sure was fun, no digestive disorders and no furball looking for love in all the wrong places. As I mentioned in my last post, the furball is afraid of his own reflection. How does one become afraid of his own reflection you ask? Actually, it’s quite easy when you’re dealing with a half breed who also happens to be a half wit. One day, mom placed our food and water bowls in front of her curio cabinet in the dining room. The cabinet happens to have a mirror in the back, I think you know where this is going. Early on, when the furball approached his bowls, he saw his reflection in the mirror. Well of course I couldn’t let such a golden opportunity pass, so I yelled, run furball it’s a stray! The furball ran for his miserable life, crying and whining the whole way. Well the furball being the dullard he is, was convinced there was another dog in the house. The poor guy would hardly ever eat or drink, and when he did, he looked like he was avoiding sniper fire! Talk about funny, he was so scared, mom had to put his bowls in the kitchen away from the curio cabinet. So, as I said, last night the furball was in hiding. Somehow, before Bible study, furball’s bowl was moved in front of the cabinet, as luck would have it, he caught a glimpse of a big ugly black dog as he was getting a drink of water. I took this opportunity to convince ole jump and hump the pit bull was in the house to take care of a certain tongue wagging, upstairs sleeping, bones jumping, flea bag. Ahhh, a night without the furball, just me and the church kids! Bible study’s paying off already!

Well it’s Monday, time to unwind from the weekend and start focusing on the week at hand. (Like I can focus on anything after my eyes were probed by marauding children last night) Those of you new to my postings, probably don’t recall last Monday evening. The church kids had been coming over every Monday night; they sit around the pool and have Bible study. I thought what the heck, I’m going to go out to the pool and pick up what they were laying down. On my way to the pool, I was hit by some Tex Mex I had enjoyed earlier in the day. As hard as I tried (I really didn’t try that hard) I was left with no choice but to lay a little something down by the pool myself. After I politely pooped on the rocks behind the kids, the furball jumped out, he looked like Hugh Heffner after a stag party! Before I could get away, he had me in his clutches, the poor mixed breed sack of hair, he was professing his love, screaming he loved me because I’m so bad, all the while his eyes were glazed over like honey suckle hams. Well this caused quite the stir with the study group. Did I mention the study group is Baptist? Some of those Baptists frown upon dancing, let alone what the furball was trying to accomplish! It wasn’t like I didn’t try to warn the children, but they were all giggling like little church girls before I could get a word out. Well tonight, I am going to make a much better impression! No Tex Mex and the furball’s in hiding from his reflection (another story I will have to share later.) Gotta run.

Wow, what a weekend! It all started Friday night. So much for the pit bull and his “old lady” patching things up. About midnight the muscle bound galoot drunk dials me. He’s all like, what’s up baby. I was all like, what’s up playa! Anyway, he sounded friskier than Jimmy Johnson on his Extenze commercial! He started with the whole misunderstood thing, how I’m the only one for him. He tells me he’s been looking at the pictures I e-mailed him and he wants to come over. So I tell him, until he can start fulfilling my needs, him and his “old lady” might as well stick together. I mean really, all I wanted was for him to come over and break three or four of the furball’s kneecaps and he can’t even do a little thing like that!

Saturday, I don’t know what was going on. The boy they call Wyatt was singing “I’ll Be There,” over and over and over! I don’t know where “there” is, but I was wishing he’d just go and stop singing. Later, mom and dad mention going to the homecoming for a talent contest. As flattered as I was, It had been a while since I’d done any dancing or singing, but I thought, hey, why not? I mean, I certainly have room on the old trophy shelf for a trophy, or, two! Well the time comes to leave, guess who got left behind, if you guessed Princess, you’d be right! Just me and the furball on a Saturday night! Furball started with the do you think they’re coming home routine? I responded with do you think I can work up a bowel movement before they get home? Later, mom, dad, and the boy come home. The boy had a ribbon, apparently from the talent contest. Now, unless they’re giving ribbons for Grammy’s these days, I’d say they were a little over excited! Of course the furball was jumping up and down like he’d just one first place in the biggest idiot contest. Poor furball, he’s so simple, not sophisticated like me.

Sunday, dad says he’s going to get the pool ready for a party. As long as little kids aren’t invited, I’m down with a party. Dad vacuumed the pool while mom cleaned up inside. I did my part by not being able to decide whether I wanted to be inside with mom, or outside with dad. Later, the guests started to arrive. Curses! You couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting a kid! Dad said the kids were just curious. Yeah he’s right, they just wondered what would happen to a dog’s eye if they stuck their grubby little finger in it! My whole body was itching before the kids started probing my eyeballs, in fact, my eyes were the only thing not itching before the party! Oh well, having your eyes probed does take your mind off itching! There’s always next weekend. Now, where's that Visine?

I cannot believe the way this day is starting! First off, the furball got to sleep upstairs again, apparently my protests are going unnoticed. The Pit bull, who most of you know I met while in lock up when the family went on vacation without me, has blown me off. He told me if I ever needed anything, to just call and he’d come running! Well I do need something! I need the furball to pay for his disrespectful attitude! The pit bull sent a text saying him and his "old lady" were going to try to patch things together and make things work. Well I need for doctors to have to try to patch the furball back together! Not only has he been sticking his tongue out at me every morning, he totally embarrassed me last week in front of the church kids while they were sitting around the pool trying to find God! I didn’t even know he was lost, and I certainly didn’t know he was out by the pool! Anyway, back to the furball, mom’s taking him to get a bath and a haircut this morning, meanwhile, I’m covered in yeast again! So much for all the different food she’s been giving me. I’ve got more yeast on my body than a Krispy Kreme getting ready for a cop convention. I guess the pit bull really wasn’t my type, I mean really, who likes all those chains and leather straps, and he did have a drooling problem. I guess there’s more than one way to skin a furball! Gotta run!

Day 1: Lately, dad’s been letting the furball sleep upstairs at night. Old cry and whine cries like Jimmy Swaggert and Richard Simmons at a revival for fat women every time there’s a thunderstorm. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I enjoy sleeping with the furball, it’s just the fact he’s up there sleeping with the kids and I’m left down here to fend for myself. So, I decided to leave dad a few piles of protest this morning in the dining room. Dad’s response, he told me I was a bad dog! Really, I’m a bad dog, I’ve never felt so contrite before in my life! Just kidding, I wasn’t sorry at all. Now, if he would have came at me with the business end of a fly swatter, then I may have felt some sorrow. Anyway, it’s the whole charade of dad telling me to go to bed, me scurrying into my crate, and then dad carrying the furball upstairs out of my line of sight which really gets my dander raised. It doesn’t help in the morning when the furball sticks his tongue out at me while dad’s carrying him back from upstairs. Well, I better log off of here before they change the password on this as well, besides, I’m working on convincing the furball he was adopted, anything to get his stomach in knots. Sniff at ya later!

More about Me

Since my arrival here, I have struggled with dad over where I do my business, he would prefer I go outside, I prefer the dining room floor. I mean really, who poops outdoors, except furball, and he’s just a trained seal wearing a fur coat. I’ve said it before, I’ll poop outside when dad puts on a black fur coat and goes outside to poop. Recently, I’ve been using dad’s smart phone, hey I think I just used an oxymoron, to post updates about myself and furball’s adventures. Dad changed the code on his phone, leaving me with no choice but to hack into his computer and create this blog.