Have you ever had something from your past rubbed in your face? To be completely humiliated to the point where you just want to have a good cry with Oprah? Well I have, here’s how it went down. Apparently, the little hippie, I mean girl, they call Summer, is having a birthday! Saturday afternoon, I‘m kicked back, ready to have some mom and dad time, when people started showing up at the house. Right off the bat, mom started with the whole (big paw air quotes) “rescue” story. If I heard once “she was a rescue,” I heard it a thousand times! I felt like jumping up and saying “please, tell us Batman, where did you rescue me from? I’m sure there’s some Chilean miners who could use your rescuing skills about now!“ After the whole rescue story, I had to put up with mom telling everyone “she stinks.” Really? I stink? I never noticed! My stinking, leads old loose lips to her next story about how those bladderless bunnies peed on me while I was looking for a fix! How’s a girl supposed to gain any street cred if your more embarrassing moments from the past are thrown in your face every time you turn around? As if matters could not have become more embarrassing, the furball started doing tricks like some kind of show pony. He began with jumping, high on the sliding glass door. Everybody started oohing and aahing, talking about how high furball could jump. Then he moved on to the crying on command, which just made everybody laugh! Finally, the party came to an end, and with the exception of a few stragglers, everybody went home. I thought, hey, maybe Saturday wasn’t the best day, but there’s always Sunday, right? Oh nooo, Mardi Gras doesn’t last as long as the little hippie girl‘s birthday celebration! Sunday afternoon we started the process all over again with another party; rescue, rescue, stink, stink, pee, pee, jump, jump, cry, cry, just with a whole new group of people! Anyway, I have no more dignity, I now know how George Michaels must feel! Gotta go go!

Earlier, I was sitting on my perch (in front of the storm door) giving all who passed by a good barking. Dad was out in the front yard, pulling weeds and trimming the bushes. A lady, who was walking what appeared to be the Furball, only he was twice as big as the furball, passed by our yard. Dad asked the lady if her dog was a Cockapoo? Better watch it dad, talk like that could get you pepper sprayed! The lady replied her dog was a golden doodle. A golden doodle? Really? Dad said he has a cockapoo. Geez dad, just put on a trench coat and flash the lady why don’t you. The lady said she was trying to get her golden doodle to walk on a leash, but was having a hard time. Dad said he has a hard time walking with his cockapoo when it’s on a leash as well. I thought, don’t worry ma’am, I’m dialing 911. The lady just smiled and continued to walk the oversized half breed. Dad went back to pulling weeds. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at the old guy the same again.

I just don’t know how much longer I can hang on. Dad stopped taking me out to do my “business” while he tends to those free tinkling rabbits! It’s been two days since my last fix! I can’t keep anything down, I have the shakes. Hello, my name is Princess, and I’m hooked on poop! Hush little puppy, don’t say a word, mama’s gonna buy you a rabbit turd! I can’t take it! I’m cracking up! Okay, must remain calm, I’m sure one of those four legged poop dispensers is going to come through any minute. All I have to do is wait for a little spillage over the side of the hutch, and bingo! I’m back in the game! Let this be a lesson for all of you out there thinking about getting hooked. Sure, the pushers all act like your friend at first! Come on under the hutch, enjoy our magical droppings, it’s free, they say. Then, once you’re under there, they treat you like you’re David Hasselhoff on the bathroom floor searching for your dignity! I don’t care how many times mom bathes me, I just can’t stop feeling dirty. Must remain strong, if not for me, then, who I am I kidding, it’s all about me!

Teeth jutting out! Curses! Apparently, the drops I felt falling on my head while under the rabbit hutch wasn’t rain! Those little double crossing bunnies enticed me under their hutch with their nuggets of deliciousness, only to pee on my parade! This is why mom thought I was rotting from the inside out! According to dad, rabbit pee really, really stinks! I thought it was weird it rained every time I got under the hutch to get a fix. I feel skankier than a Kardashian after an all nighter in an NFL locker room! I cannot believe I let my love for bunny poop distort my judgment so much! I better get that video from Furball, the one where I couldn’t help myself and broke out into song under the hutch. Rain drops keep falling on my head… If he posts that on You Tube, my singing career could be over! To add to my humiliation, mom came home with a bottle of shampoo called “For Smelly Dogs.” I bet she lathered, rinsed, lathered, rinsed so many times my skin wrinkled like one of those Shar Pei freaks! I can just hear those little foo foo dogs down the street laughing, acting like their all high and mighty, with their non peed on heads! After my bath, mom and dad were so happy! It’s amazing how little things, like me not making their home smell like a sack of dirty diapers, make them happy. You know what makes me happy? Rabbit poop! There, I said it again, it’s delicious! Now where’s my umbrella and galoshes.

It’s treason, downright blasphemous, guess who has a crush on one of the little wiener schnitzels down the street! Furball! He came out from under the couch today and professed his love for one of those pint sized sidewalk poopers! Can you believe it? Just because he got roughed up a little by her, he’s all head over paws! The canine Casanova needs to grow a backbone! Of course, he’s always been the submissive type. Who would have thought he would fall for one of my arch nemesis’! I can’t hold my tongue any longer “RAT FARTS!” What did I ever do to him? I’ve always been there for him, through thick and thin. Didn’t I take him back, when we were at the big house after the pit bull was pardoned? (Editors Note: Princess sold the furball to the pit bull for a pack of cigarettes while locked up at the big house, some would call it a kennel) Teeth jutting out, a quick Princess note; “I, HATE, EDITORS!” Now I know how Jennifer felt when Brad left her for Angelina. I don’t know how much more I can take! At least I have an ally in the girl they call Summer. After all this unfolded, I heard her tell mom, “we should just put the poor thing out of her misery.” Wow, I always thought hippies were passive, but hey, you go girl! I knew I was her favorite, but to have her think death would be better than dating the furball, she must really despise the old boy! Now the furball is running around, putting product in his hair, trying to get those cowlicks he calls fur to lay down. I was kind of hoping to see the hillbilly gene pool watered down, not built back up! I guess I am jumping to conclusions, it’s not very likely the stuck up socialite would fall for such a nitwit! Furball reproducing? Maybe I should be put out of my misery! Gotta go.

It’s the second day of school, so far, mom and I have not bonded at all! If she’s not cleaning the house, she’s telling me how disgusting I smell! If she doesn’t watch it, I could get a complex. No, I’m just joking, you have to care to get a complex! To be truthful, I prefer the au natural smell! I’m not sure, but I think I recall a time during my teens, when I did the whole Bohemian thing. A lot of us girls back then were not using deodorant, or, shaving our legs! Besides, who wants to be a foo foo dog like those little uppity pups down the street? They walk around here like they’re some kind of high society, noses all up in the air, all the while they’re tied to the end of a leash! When’s the last time you saw Paris Hilton tethered to a leash? Wait, don’t answer that! Anyway, they eat their food out of a bowl just like me and the furball. Speaking of the furball, it’s day three of him living under the couch. He’s under there crying about how bad his nose and butt hurts! Those little diva’s didn’t even break skin! Can you imagine if the pit bull came over and sunk his teeth into the furball? How I got stuck living in the same house as this flea fur combo is beyond me! I think I’ll text the pit bull a little later, surely, he’s getting tired of his “old lady” by now. Talk about ugly! She has to sneak up on a bowl of water to get a drink! Why she’s so ugly, when she was born the vet slapped her mother! Man, I crack myself up! If I don’t get some rabbit poop soon, I will crack up! Ever since mom and dad had an intervention, the poops harder to find than a sober Kennedy! Not much else going on, smell ya later!

Do I ever have a spring in my step! Both kids are back in school, dad’s at work, the furball is traumatized hiding under the couch from yesterday’s humiliation, which leaves the whole house for me and mom! I really think we need to use this time to do some bonding, some real girl time. Who knows, maybe we’ll have a pillow fight, do some swimming, or just have a good cry while watching Oprah. All I know, I have eight months of just me and mom! Of course, I do have some business to tend to. I still need to get the pit bull over here to take care of furball, I need to get revenge on those little lap dancers from down the street and finally, I have to get this rabbit poop monkey (sorry PETA, if it makes you feel any better, the poop monkey is invisible) off my back! Mom would probably argue with my priorities, she’d probably say I need to get myself clean, stop smelling like Frito’s, get a little dental work. Dad’s all kind of messed up, he never came through on giving me those chops, instead he’s now talking about taking me on vacation, “a ride to the farm” is what he said. I wish he would just make up his mind. Anyway, not much going on today, gotta go!

I always knew furball was a sniveling coward, but today takes the cake! Earlier, I was sitting at the front door giving everyone who passed by a good barking. So furball starts with the skittish act, he’s eating, drinking, or, even just walking across the kitchen floor like someone’s gonna lay a smack down on him at any minute. I asked him what his deal was, to which he replied he was worried about the dog he had seen in the curio cabinet ambushing him. I didn’t have the heart to tell the sack of fur he had seen his own reflection in the curio cabinet mirror. Being ever helpful, I thought I would try to build him up a bit. You know me, I’m always trying to help the poor guy. I began by telling furball he looked pretty tough when he was mad. I also told him he should just march into the dining room with the meanest, scariest face he could muster, to scare the other dog away. Furball was unsure at first, so I asked him, what are you, a dog, or, a mouse? Well, this shamed him, who knew you could shame such a pitiful beast. Next thing you know, the furball started making these crazy eyes, all the while flaring his nostrils and fangs. With a great ado, he marched himself into the dining room, saying something like, please don’t make me kill again! As soon as the warrior nitwit hit the dining room floor, he caught a glimpse of himself in the curio cabinet, all you could see was fur and elbows, he was running so fast, pleading all the while “please don’t let that ugly beast kill me!” I found the ninja mutt hiding under the couch. It took a while, but I finally talked him out. He was crying, saying between snivels he had never seen such a mean ferocious beast in all of his life. I suggested he shouldn’t have started out with such a big opponent, maybe he should get those two little yappers down the street who are always being paraded by the house on their leashes, looking at me, I mean us, like they're all high and mighty! I told the furball “we’ could jump those oversized hamsters the next time they were walked by the house. I ensured furball I would open a can of whoop butt, maybe break out the brax, I mean brass knuckles and teach those ankle biters whose the boss! I told furball the dog in the dining room would be so impressed with our fighting skills, he would surely leave the house. So the plan was set, the next time we see those dogs being walked down the street and someone leaves the door open, we‘ll be all over the Pointer sisters like Rosie O’Donnel on a chicken leg! Who knew our opportunity would have come the same day! As mom was returning home from the store, those two hairballs were being walked right past our house! I told furball it’s now, or, never, so he jumped out the door, ran through the garage, and headed right for my two arch nemesis’. I was right behind furball, when all of a sudden, curses! I had to stop and itch my body! Furball ran right into the eye of the storm, he took a bite to the nose and posterior, which sent him running for the house faster than Leno gave Conan the boot! There I was, left all alone, I gave those two mini marauders a good frowning, stuck my nose in the air and promptly returned to my abode. Oh well, I guess furball will just have to stay under the couch a little longer.

Well the weekend is just about over. Dad is hiding the rabbit poop, so I’m having a little harder time getting a fix. Mom says I’m disgusting. I’ve achieved the Frito’s odor in just a little over a week. A short time ago, mom exclaimed she smelled “Axe” by the steps, I thought enough already, I know I smell bad, at least I don’t have a speech impediment! Then she said she was choking on the smell of “Axe.” Okay drama queen, I get it, I smell bad, get over it already! I mean really, how rude! At least I can pronounce my esses! Does dad say he’s going bax fishing? Does the girl they call Summer have to go to math clax? You won’t believe this, mom just yelled up to the boy they call Wyatt and asked him if he “spilled his Axe?” Now, I’ve been pretty sick before, but I didn’t think you could spill one of those. Poor kid! Now, this is where it gets really weird! She called the boy downstairs and asked him “how much Axe” he sprayed on his chest? I thought, get the kid to the doctor, or, better yet, the circus, if he’s able to spray his chest! The boy seemed a little upset, and said he just sprayed a “little.” Mom was all over him though, she said “you sprayed more than a little Axe, you must of sprayed a lot,! I can smell Axe all the way down here!” Well, I’ve gotta go, I think I’m going to be sick, I bet Laxxie didn’t have to hear about Timmy’s gastrointestinal oddities.

Teeth are jutting out, feelings are hurt! Mom and dad took the kids to the State Fair, guess who got left at home again with the furball? I cannot believe how many times I’ve been dissed this Summer! Yeah, that’s right mom and dad, I said it, Summer’s a season, not a name! Anyway, I thought dad was going to give me something special to eat before going to the fair yesterday. It was a little confusing, mom was holding me, telling dad how bad I smelled and disgusting my fur looked, when dad said he was thinking about giving me a "chop." I sure was hoping for veal, or, pork, turned out, I got nothing! The confusing part was how dad said he would have to serve it to me, "a chop right behind the neck," is what he said. Whoever heard of receiving a chop behind the neck, I mean really, they complain about my fur being messy now, can you imagine if he placed a chop behind my neck? It must be some kind of holistic food ,because dad said all of my problems would be over with just one good chop behind the neck. I guess I’ll have to wait for the kids to go somewhere, dad said he wouldn’t be able to give me the chop when the kids were home, he said it might upset them too much. C’mon dad ,you big cheapskate, spring for the kids a chop, I’m sure they’d enjoy one. Dad may be over estimating how much I can eat, he said one chop may not do the trick, I may need two, or, three chops. Here’s the funny part, dad didn’t say one thing about giving furball a chop, I can’t wait to see the look on his face when dad’s giving me two, maybe three chops and he’s just standing there getting nothing! Just what he deserves, nothing! Sooner or later, we all get what’s coming to us. Gotta run

Something is terribly awry! I’m only five days removed from my visit to the beauty shop, and I already stink and look like Amy Winehouse after an all weekend bender! Dad thinks it’s because I’m eating rabbit poop, mom doesn’t have any idea, she just says I stink like "death!" Well, here it is, I hate to admit it, but the old man is right! I have a problem! It started with just a few pieces of rabbit poop here and there, you know, just to take the edge off. Now, I can’t help myself, I find myself hanging out by the rabbit hutch at all hours. I need help! My name is Princess, and I love rabbit poop! There, I said it, it’s delicious! Who knew it would make your breath stink and your fur look like it was brushed with a blender! On the bright side, it is pretty chic to have a problem. Maybe I can get on a show with Paris and Nicole, I mean really, those little lap dogs didn’t bring anything to the show like I could, the mutts in the purses were kind of boring as well! Gotta run!

All in all, a pretty quiet weekend! I got home from the beauty shop Friday afternoon, where I received (paw air quotes) "the spa treatment." If getting sprayed in the face with an aerosol can is "the spa treatment," then I sure got it! Supposedly, the "spa treatment" made me smell like vanilla. Mom was so giddy, she made dad smell me when he got home from work. Well, the next thing you know, they’re passing me back and forth smelling me, like I’m some kind of water pipe. (Explains the girl’s name a whole lot more) Anyway, mom kept asking dad "can you smell it, can you smell it?" Then she said, "It’s vanilla," can you believe the beauty shop threw in the "spa treatment" for nothing! Little did she know, I got a little snippy with the beautician, which caused her to throw in the "spa treatment" free of charge! My hair do’s pretty cute if I say so myself! I kind of look like Naomi Watts, except when I jut my teeth out, then I look like Katie Couric. Gotta go, mom said something about the girls getting together for a little swimming later today, I sure hope the pool water doesn’t dilute my "spa treatment!"

This day has not started out the greatest. The pit bull’s old lady called, apparently, she was looking through his phone and found my texts, thank goodness she didn’t find the pictures I sent! Anyway, she started with the whole "stay away from my man" routine! I was all like "whatever," she was all like "no you didn’t." The call got old after a while, so I hung up on her. I guess I’ll have to find another way to get my revenge on old cry and whine. So after the phone call, mom starts with the "where’s my pretty girl," I figured one of three things; I’m either gonna have to swallow some pills, go to the vet, or, go to the beauty shop. CURSES! It was the beauty shop. Just when I was getting my hair the way I liked it, I have to go and get it cut! Besides, dad was really liking my aroma, he said just last night he had never smelled anything that smelled like me! I bet they’ll put some cheesy ribbons in my ears, try to make me look all foo foo, just so mom and dad can carry on about how cute I am. Well, let me tell you, it’s hard to look foo foo when your bottom teeth are jutting out! Gotta run, I feel a little protest coming on!

Things aren’t going as planned today. First of all, the pit bull is still really upset I stood him up. He also said something about turning over a new leaf and giving up the bad boy image. I asked him if he could just do me this one little favor, I mean really, how hard would it be to come over and scare furball? The mongrel is afraid of his own shadow, can you imagine if the pit bull came over and got all Naomi Campbell on him! I’m sure he wouldn’t be sticking his tongue out at me anymore! He might be swallowing his tongue, but not sticking it out! Besides, dad said I’m one in a million, the pit bull just doesn’t know what he’s missing! The girl they call Summer, you know, the one who stole my place at vacation bible school, is coming home from the float trip today, I’m sure she’ll be greeted like some conquering hero. I can just see the furball now, jumping up and down, running around the house acting like he just won best in show at Westminster! Like that could happen, did I mention he’s a half breed, not a pure breed such as myself? Oh well, gotta go.

August 4, 2010


What a relaxing day I should of had! The girl they call Summer, (still makes me laugh, everything’s groovy man!) is on a float trip, and the boy they call Wyatt, was off with dad for take your brat to work day, or something like that. So this should of left just me and mom, kicking back and taking it easy for the day. Of course she was still a little upset with me after I defamed the dining room last night. I was really hoping mom and I could of had some real quality girl time today, you know, maybe get a pedicure, talk about our lives, laugh, cry, laugh again. You know, girls just being girls. There was only one problem, and it happened to be wearing a black fur coat! Old cry and whine was right there, up in our grill every time we turned around! You would think he would have felt a little awkward, being the third wheel and all! I wonder if the pit bull is over the skunk incident yet? I think it’s time I give the old boy a call and take care of this ignoramus once and for all! Gotta run!

Last night was uneventful with the church kids, except the furball made a complete fool of himself. It all started when the church kids began to arrive at the house. Well of course, the simpleton had to jump up and down, acting like Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch every time the door bell rang. It didn’t take long before dad put us both out on the back porch. I figured I’d just catch a few rays while passing the time. Not old cry and whine, he figured he’d pass the time by jumping up on the sliding glass door, I will say this for the bag of hair, he sure can jump! When the jumping didn’t work, he lost his dignity quicker then Miley Cyrus! He started with the crying, not just whimpering, I mean Lindsey Lohan in a court room type crying. It was awful! You know, I almost felt sorry for the poor guy, he can’t be altogether right. Enough about furball, I’ve got a rabbit hutch to go hide under, it is getting to be lunch time, gotta go!

Bad girl, bad girl, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do, when they come for you... Man, if I heard "bad girl" once this weekend, I heard it a thousand times! Not only did I get stuck with the furball this weekend, mom and dad left me home alone with him on a Friday night! Well, there should be none of that! So, I left a little home warming surprise on the dining room floor for the happy couple on their return. Saturday, me and the humping wonder of the world, got left home alone all day! Well, once again, I left a little protest in the dining room! Let me back up a little bit, apparently, on Friday, the girl they call Summer, you know the one who stole my place at camp, crashed a golf cart into a parked car. Needless to say, this caused all sorts of drama, at camp and at home! Talk about what goes around comes around, I’ve just never seen it happen this fast! I certainly would not have crashed the cart if I had been driving, just another reason dad should have protested and stood up for his favorite girl! I forgot to call the pit bull and tell him I wouldn’t be at the meeting place Saturday night. Apparently, his eyesight’s not the best in the dark, let’s just say if we were in Arkansas, he’d be engaged to that skunk! Old cry and whine cried Friday night when he had to sleep downstairs with me. He was pretty brave Saturday night, he told me he would be going back upstairs Sunday night, as soon as the kids came home. Well, last night was a whole other story! The kids went to bed without furball! I haven’t seen crying like that since Chris Brown was on the BET Awards! Oh well, I need to get ready for the church kids tonight, talk at you later.