What a week, it all started after I went to the vet. Apparently, one of the shots I received was something called steroids. I’m not actually sure what steroids are used for, but I’ve been having the urge to slap the Furball from here to next week! I know, I usually feel like giving him a good thrashing, but now, I feel as if I could just pick him up and throw him through a wall! Also, my appetite is insatiable! Not only am I wolfing down my food, I’m going after Furball’s as well. After both of our food is gone, I go outside and eat poop! I’m so ashamed! I now know what Barbara Walters must feel like after one of her shows! The Furball informed me the steroids also ruined any chance I ever had at winning the Westminster! I can’t believe mom and dad would allow such a thing to happen to me without even consulting me! It wasn’t like I was out with the little hippie girl and got some second hand smoke! I mean you have to have a certain level of trust amongst family! You’re not going to believe what happened in the middle of the week! Bad grams fell and broke her hip! This happened to a friend of mine before I was “rescued” by mom the rescuer! The cure was a one way trip to Doggone City! When I first heard about Grams, I was kind of sad, but, you break a hip and as dad likes to say, you’re totaled! Poor ole Grams, I hardly got to know you, oh well, life’s not always fair! Speaking of not fair, Grams wasn’t totaled at all! In fact, she received a brand new hip! A new hip? Who knew there was such a thing! I guess that’s fair, my friend breaks her hip and takes a dirt nap, Grammy breaks hers and gets a new one! To make matter worse, mom took me to the beauty parlor this week! When I got to the beauty shop, there was this other dog walking around with a pumpkin drawn on one side and a smiley face on the other! I was thinking, are we at the beauty shop, or, the head shop? Hey mom, you’ve got your little Princess, not your hippie girl! After the haircut, I look like my head is too small for my body! Kind of like Barry Bonds, only in reverse! My ears are about one quarter their natural length, I look like Sally Fields from the Flying Nun! When I jut my teeth out, I look like Nicole Richey, only not as homely! The beautician told mom I got the “puppy cut.” The puppy cut? How about, I’ve been on a three day jag and shouldn’t have a pair of scissors in my hand cut! Or, I ate a brownie from the little hippie girl, now I’m floating in the air with these scissors, sorry about your hair, cut! A puppy cut? I have lost all street cred! I could just see the Pit Bull coming over here and getting a glimpse of me! I’d say, come on in, I just need to change clothes, he’d take off running, thinking he was going to be on “To Catch a Predator!” Dad can’t stop laughing at me when he looks at me, the hippie says I’m ugly! Mom says I had to be cut this way to get the mats out of my beard and ears. Those weren’t mats, they were dreads, ala Bob Marley. So now, I’m a short eared, small headed, new hipped Grammy, Nicole Richey looking, steroid enraged mess! How was your week?

Wow, do I feel good! I don’t know what that old guy gave me, but I feel great! I actually have a little fur growing back on my underbelly! Now, instead of it looking like Dog the Bounty Hunter’s chest, it looks more like Jimmy Johnson’s head. Talk about a nice head of hair, if it wasn’t for the whole inter species dating taboo, I could really go for ole Jimmy! Anyway, I digress, the Furball is really starting to get on my last nerve! He still gets to sleep upstairs with either Wyatt or the little hippie girl they call Summer. Of course, I don’t know if I could handle sleeping in the same room as the hippie, what with the whole “let’s shoot Princess” remarks. I’d have to sleep with one eye open, or, just stay awake all night. Anyway, the Furball continues with the sticking his tongue out at me as he’s being carried upstairs by dad! Then, when he comes back downstairs in the morning, he’s all, Wyatt did this, Wyatt did that, Summer did this, Summer didn’t kill me in my sleep! I sure am glad I got the Benedryl monkey off my back! I still can’t believe I thought I was dead! It does make a girl stop and think! What in the world would mom and dad do without me? I’ve often heard dad say “what would it be like not to have Princess anymore?” Poor guy was so distraught when he was asking this question, he just had this far away look and a brave grin on his face. Mom said something like, we could get two more dogs, if we had to replace Princess. Sure does make a girl feel good knowing she’s wanted!

What a weekend, and for that matter, a start of the week! First of all, I’ve been under constant attack from the little hippie girl! She went across the street to do something called “baby sit,” Saturday night. Apparently, there’s a dog across the street named “Buster,” whom the little hippie is enamored with. All I heard all day Sunday was; Buster did this, Buster did that, Buster smells like vanilla, Buster doesn’t stink like stale Fritos, lets shoot Princess! Lets shoot Princess? Okay, I admit, I’m not the easiest dog in the neighborhood to live with, but, for a beatnik like the hippie to resort to violence, is just a tad over the top! Who cares if “Buster” smells like vanilla! What, is this the hippie’s favorite incense fragrance? Besides, the last I checked, hippies were putting flowers into the end of gun barrels, lighten up Moon Beam, I mean Summer! As if all of this wasn’t enough to make me go all Naomi Campbell, this morning, I thought I died! No, really, I thought I died! It all started when I got grabbed up by mom and dad and rushed into the car! Dad appeared to be half asleep and mom was saying something like we only had an hour to get her to the vet! I was thinking, I’m a goner! I only had an hour to live! I thought maybe the hippie girl slipped me something, maybe some vanilla arsenic! On the other hand, I had been itching and smelling a lot, dad had been saying I smelled like I was rotting from the inside out! Maybe he was right! Anyway, a girl has all kinds of crazy thoughts when the end is near! If only I had paid more attention during Bible study, heck, if only I hadn’t pooped in front of the Bible study kids! I won’t even revisit what the furball did to me in front of the Bible study kids! Although, the kids did have a lot more questions about what was going on inside that Ark afterwards! I was swept up so fast, I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to the furball! So anyway, one hour to live, and guess who grabbed the wrong directions to the vet, you guessed it, dad! Mom gave him a good admonishing and sent him back into the house to get the directions! It’s okay dad, I have an hour left to live, and you forgot the directions, don’t sweat it, take your time! After about five minutes, mom went in for dad, I guess dad forgot his reading glasses and couldn’t find the right paper! Oh well, it’s been a good life, the heck with that, get your blind, non reading small print self out here and do some of that high speed evasive driving I’m always hearing you brag about! Okay, we were all back in the car, and away we go! Burn rubber! I thought dad would be driving at least a 100 miles per hour to get his little Princey girl to the vet, oh no, he’s like Mr. ten and two on the steering wheel, right at the speed limit! So this is how it’s going to be, I knew all of that pooping on the floor would come back to bite me, so to speak. Well on the way, mom blurts out, it’s been longer than an hour, we’re too late! Goodbye cruel world, I was way too young and pretty to die, but, hey, so was Anna Nicole! Why must it always be the pretty ones to go so young? This is where It really got strange, it didn’t seem like there was much difference in being dead than alive! Mom and dad were still with me, did I take them out with me on the way? I was trying to recall some of the Bible study stuff from the kids, but I was coming up empty! I did recall one of the lessons, where the kids were asked to describe what they thought God looked like. One of the kids said they thought he would have gray hair and be very kind and loving! One of the other kids said they thought he would look like a Power Ranger, but the kid was eating crayons, so I went with the kindly older gentleman theory. Well we get to the afterlife, what’s this? I still had to poop, but this time I was pooping in some real nice landscaping, looked like heaven to me, crazy thing though, mom still had me on a leash and dad’s leading the way inside. Okay, Heaven has it’s drawbacks, but , did I mention how nice the landscaping was? Once we get inside, I discovered the kid was right, there he was, the kindest, gray haired gentleman you ever wanted to see! Dad walked me over to him, I started thinking, please be in a good mood and let me pass through,! Well the next thing you know, the gray haired gentleman picks me up and says “is she a good girl?” Okay, this was dad‘s time to shine, start boasting about your Princey girl! Mom interrupts, always trying to pad her hand, with the whole “she was a rescue” thing again! Then the guy started poking and prodding, pulling hair out of my ears, and gave me two shots! They were right, they just don’t let anyone in here! Well the next thing you know, the guy gave dad his business card and said if she doesn’t get better in two weeks, I want to see her again. Let’s see, I’m dead! Getting better is going to be a little tough! Well, turns out, silly me, I wasn’t dead at all! Just a little delirious from all the Benedryl mom had been pumping down my throat! I guess it’s never too late to start anew!

I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I stink more and more each day! I have lost so much hair on my underbelly, it looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter’s chest. Mom keeps telling me to hang on until Monday, I guess I’m going to see the doctor. I feel skankier than Paris Hilton's new BFF. Enough about me, as if anyone could ever get enough of me, I was watching TV with dad the other night, when the craziest show ever, came on! It was called “S*&# My Dad Says.” Really? We've reduced ourselves to this? What’s next? Poops on my butt, Gunk in my ear, The Bunnies Peed on my Head, My underbelly is red and itchy? Oh wait, I wasn’t going to talk about me anymore. The show was about as entertaining as watching the furball sing the National Anthem for a treat! Get away you hillbilly, man, I just typed the word treat, and he was on me like Whoopi on a chicken wing! Supposedly, the show was started by some guy who was tweeting S*&# his dad said. Well, if they can put some hotel room salesman to work on a show with this concept, I’m smelling a new show in my future! How about Shitzu CSI, or, Paw and Order! I could play myself, they need someone with spunk on TV these days! They’d have to find someone free spirited to play the little hippie girl! A real looker to play mom! I wonder if that Harry Potter actor is out of work yet? He could play the boy they call Wyatt. We could make it an action thriller and have Keenu Reeves play dad! Of course, we’d have to find someone, or, some thing, to play the furball. I wonder if that Alf character is still in the business? If I don’t get this itching under control soon, we may have to call the show; The Young and the Itchy, or, how about the Mold and the Beautiful! Gotta run, mom’s coming at me with another syringe full of happy juice!

I have had just about all I can take from the little hippie girl they call Summer! Last night, she tells mom; “we should make Princess an outdoor dog, she stinks1” Well, just give me a few minutes while I gather a few of my favorite things, and I’ll be letting myself out! I think not! Let’s see here, you’re the hippie, and you want me to be an outdoor dog? Correct me if I’m wrong, isn’t it your ilk who loves sleeping outdoors? Does Woodstock ring a bell? Just because you might like frolicking in the mud and grass, doesn’t mean I would! I know you think everything is “groovy man", but for me, I think I will continue to live right here indoors! Why doesn’t the little hippie go live in a Volkswagen van? As if her wanting me to go live outside wasn’t bad enough, I think the little tree hugger slipped something in my water bowl! I was tripping big time, I started seeing selective double! One of her friends came over last night, as soon as she arrived, I started seeing double of just the friend all night! It was weird, one vision was wearing one outfit and the other a different one! The little hippie knew what she had done and was messing with my mind! One time she would call the vision one name, such as Sierra, and then the next minute she would be calling the other vision Michaela! This was almost enough to make me swear off magical rabbit pellets! One of the “friends” who I was seeing double of, kept complaining I smelled like Fritos! I think mom and I may have to have an intervention with the hippie, just to set her straight as to who’s the one working her way outside! Outdoor dog? I think not! Outdoor hippie? Sounds more natural to me.

Those little lap dancers were prancing by my yard again today. You would think they were a pure breed, such as myself, the way they strut past here! Oh sure, the furball gets all goo goo eyed when they walk by, but hey, his family tree hasn’t forked in years! Just the thought of him reproducing gives me the shivers! I’m starting to give up hope on the pit bull ever coming over here and defending my honor by stomping the furball back to the stone age! Mom’s freaking out about my hair do. She had the boy they call Wyatt bring her a pair of scissors to cut the mats out of my ears. Hello, hey mom, if you would have brought me some Mickey ears, I could have ditched these stinky matted ears for some new ones! On the bright side, dad did offer to get me something to eat earlier! He said he was going to give me a chop! Of course, he said this once before, and nothing! Although, this time he said to mom; “come on baby, just let me give her a quick chop, it’ll stop her itching!” An analgesic pork chop? Doesn’t sound very tasty, but hey, if it’s going to stop this itching, I say chop away dad, chop away!

Mom came home from her trip! You would have thought she walked on the moon the way the furball was jumping up and down! As soon as she peeled the jumpin sack of fur off of her, she started handing out souvenirs. Let me see, dad got a tie, the boy they call Wyatt got some kind of toy in an egg, the little hippie girl they call Summer got a t-shirt, and oh yeah, I got squat!! Bad enough I didn’t get to go on MY vacation, mom came home without even buying me a set of Mickey ears! I could have used a new set of ears, my current ones are kind of itchy and stinky. Speaking of itchy and stinky, dad’s been scratching his entire body, nether region included, for the last three days. He says he has, big paw air quotes, “chiggers.” Mom goes on vacation for a week, now old dad is covered in “chiggers.” I can recall one time when I was dating the pit bull, I went out of town for a week, when I returned, he had fleas. He caught them from some skank at a local clipper joint. Anyway, dad is really itching! Let me see if I can help him; “aw, you’re my little itchy boy.” Did that help dad? No, I’m shocked! How about this; “stop itching you crazy human!” What? No better? I can’t believe this! Good luck with those “chiggers” dad!

As if my time here could not get any worse, it has! Last night, dad takes me and hillbilly hound out for our nightly business. The next thing you know, I’m locked in the basement, all by myself! It was one thing when I was left on the first floor by myself, while the sack of fur slept upstairs with the children. Now I’m spending the night locked in the basement? I don’t think so dad! My plan was to let the old guy go upstairs and have plenty of time to fall asleep. Meanwhile, I would sit at the top of the steps with my most indignant look on my face I could muster. When I thought dad would be good and asleep, I started my plan; “bark, bark, bark.” That’s dog for; no chance are you getting a full night sleep tonight. I heard the sleepy sap come down the steps, stumbling around the first floor, all the while asking; “what’s the matter Princey?” I guess he thought I was going to say something like; Summer, the little hippie girl had fell into a well! I would have none of that! I just sat there and gave him a good frowning, not a peep out of me! I guess dad thought all was well since I no longer barked, because the next thing you know, I heard him go back upstairs. Really, back upstairs, what did you think dad? Your little “Princey girl” was having a bad dream! That’s alright dad, you go ahead and get back in bed, you need the rest! “Bark, bark, bark,” that’s dog for; get your tired self out of the bed and come get your princey girl out of the basement! Down the stairs he came again, “what’s wrong Princey?” he says. What’s wrong? Oh I don’t know, I’m locked in the basement, the furball is sleeping upstairs with the kids, and Leann is off with my mom on my vacation! Other than that, everything is fine! Dad must have done three laps around the kitchen and dining room, finally, he goes into the living room and looks in my bed. What a shocker! I’m not there! I wonder why? Oh yeah, I’m in the basement! Hey dad here’s a clue; “bark, bark, bark.” That was dog for open this basement door before I have to get all crazy Shitzu on your floor! Dad comes and opens the door and exclaims “Princess, did I lock you in the basement?” No dad, I locked myself in the basement, you see at night, I grow about four feet taller and sprout fingers on my paws. Yes!!! You locked me in the basement!!! M-I-C, see ya vacation in Florida, K-E-Y, why? Because mom left me behind with the furball, M-O-U-S-E!